Echoes of Freedom — My 8 No’s To Codependency
Eight Things You Don’t Necessarily Have to do in Life to be Okay
The Codependency Mindset — image generated by the author on Canva
Unlearning unhealthy generational behaviors is one of the most challenging things one can do, yet one of the most rewarding.
In this essay, I share my growth journey, reflecting on years of questioning familial, religious, and cultural norms. I present my conclusions as “don’t-have-to-s” as they are empowering and freeing one from external obligation.
A brief background about my upbringing will shed some light on my metamorphosis (a term intentionally chosen).
As I grew up, a lot of my emotional needs weren’t met, nor were my emotional boundaries respected. Most of my feelings were ignored or unaccepted due to mainstream child-rearing practices and the specifics of my religious family, marked by alcohol abuse and codependency. I was taught to be kind and forgiving to everyone, regardless of their behavior towards me. I was expected to ”serve” and help others, no matter the cost.
To make matters worse, the religious community I was part of at the time, preached the exclusion (and extinction) of feelings and emotions as well. Feelings were to be ignored, being the unwanted opposite of “faith.” Faith was always doing, especially doing for others.
Growing up, in this respect, there was a clear example at home. Once, my family graciously opened our doors to a family friend who was going through a tough time. This lady stayed in my room for months, even though it clashed with my need for personal space and my desire to study quietly and concentrate on my studies — especially considering that she would fall asleep at the late hour of 3 a.m. every night!
You can see how the delicate balance between generously helping others and prioritizing self-care was lost. I could see only one side of the coin— that of perpetually making everybody around me happy even at the expense of my well-being.
Ironically and consensually, though, one does feel happy and satisfied when one can help make the world a better place. Over time, however, I realized that saying “No” was as satisfying. I saw that taking good care of myself enabled me to help others more effectively. I also learned to listen to, respect, and freely express my needs and feelings, esp. to those close to me. I came to appreciate all aspects of my don’t-have-to list underneath.
As I’ve said, it has taken me quite a growth process (an intense and adventurous one for sure:) to reach these conclusions, so take them as they are — my theses of personal development and freedom (the word theses is intentionally chosen here, as it is tellingly reminiscent of Martin Luther’s epoch-making quest for soul freedom back in the 16C).
While reading, keep in mind that each person’s don’t-have-to list may differ depending on their values, priorities, and evolution in life.
To grow, you don’t always need a mentor or authority figure.
My cultural and religious background taught me that I needed external influences like teachers, mentors, and checklist inventories to grow.
While teachers are helpful for personal and professional development, however, I have realized they’re not a must-have. Sometimes the smallest things in life and the people who hurt us can have a greater impact on our growth than anything anyone can teach. Painful relationships can contribute to our souls’ evolution, too, as I suggest here.
We can learn a lot from challenging times like illness as well. For me, my body’s wisdom has taught me more than even the best advice from mentors. Sickness, along with other life challenges, has the potential to yield significant personal growth (leading to quantum leaps sometimes!), as has been the case with my journey out of codependency.
While mentors may or may not be part of our growth process, developing our internal compass is what brings deep, long-lasting satisfaction. For me personally that has also included acknowledging my inherent and vibrant emotional cue system as a preciuos, protective life guide.
My ability to sense disrespectful, hurtful behavior is a valuable gift, not “hypersensitivity” as I was told as a kid (for more on emotional invalidation, read here).
Last but not least, a persistent issue with mentorship is that putting mentors on pedestals can lead to disappointment for both the mentee and the mentor. In contrast, our intuition and instincts rarely disappoint, provided we know how to tap into them.
You don’t have to please everybody, nor do you have to help everybody around you who needs help.
You can’t make everyone happy, and it’s exhausting trying to do so!
Back in my younger years, I was good at anticipating what others would need in the future so that I was able to please them in the present. I sincerely believed making others happy was my life’s calling!
I remember the first time someone pointed out that I, too, had needs, I felt completely overwhelmed by this revelation! Shifting my focus from others to myself was challenging at first as my primary defense mechanism had always been taking care of others. I had been taught to enlighten, preach to, and help others around me, whether they realized or voiced their need for help. It took me years of rigorous unlearning to see this for what it is — an unhealthy obsession.
Today I have accepted that I need to prioritize taking care of myself and those close to me first. This ensures that I’m in a position to offer help when others genuinely need it and when they can truly benefit from it. While there may be exceptions — after all, exceptions are part of being human! — the guiding principle I follow is this common-sense approach of self-care as a foundation for helping others.
I make sure I have explicitly been asked for help; that I can afford to help — that I dispose of the energy and the necessary resources to do so. I also remind myself that in some cases individuals need to be left to help themselves first before accepting help from others. In such a way, they may develop a well-needed sense of self-reliance and self-esteem.
To conclude, helping others is a beautiful and inherently human thing to do. But it’s always a two-way street of mutual support, as is everything in human relationships — two parties engaging freely and consciously one with another.
Photo by Hala Al-Asadi on Unsplash
For inner peace with yourself and a connection with God, you don’t necessarily have to follow an organized religion.
Studies credit religion with making people healthier, happier, and more involved in their communities. In more than one way, engaging with religion has been deeply beneficial for me as well.
I have observed, however, that organized religions frequently use manipulative persuasion techniques. Needless to say, these aren’t conducive to anybody’s mental or spiritual health. Guilt-tripping and coercion have no place in such a personal, soul-searching matter (here is a poem of mine on this subject).
We are all uniquely made by design and by God’s creation. No single person on the planet is an exact duplicate of you, so it defies common sense for one person to impose their religious or spiritual practices on you. Let alone, blame you for not strictly following their beliefs.
I believe that being involved with organized religious practices is not a universal requirement (with the focus here on “organized”). One’s connection with God is not dependent on any organization. It is up to each individual to find his or her path to God.
The most valuable thing one can do is listen to one’s gut — listen to your intuition about what is healthy and beneficial for you. That may be a difficult path to follow, as we have so many mind- and soul-limiting dogmas to unlearn (been there; walked the talk). At the end of the day, it is worth it.
Photo by William Farlow on Unsplash
You don’t have to follow a specific life timeline.
Life doesn’t always go as planned. As a matter of fact, in most cases, it doesn’t. You don’t have to achieve specific milestones at a predetermined age.
Likewise, you don’t have to pursue a traditional career path — you might as well explore alternative life occupations (to the conventional 9-to-5 job) or even start your own business. Interestingly, approximately 48% of those who work for someone are happy, compared to a substantial 70% of self-employed people (according to recent polls).
Such statistics come to remind us that what was once a valid type of professional engagement, is now outdated and vice-versa. Times are more dynamic and fluid than our preconceived views of what works or doesn’t work for us.
We may also need to remember that we don’t need to get married, raise our children, etc. by a certain age. Such personal and significant matters are deeply intimate, and they shouldn’t be forced upon anyone by external pressure.
Comparing ourselves to others is a negative, harmful feature of our mainstream culture. Sadly, this seems to be a cornerstone of our educational systems and societies. We need a major reset if we want to raise individuals and communities who are authentic, happy, and fulfilled.
It’s not necessary to control everyone and everything.
The urge to excessively control everything (and everyone) is oftentimes rooted in the fear of uncertainty or childhood trauma. When one grows up in an unpredictable and hurtful environment it is only natural that they will want to protect themselves from another injury by planning for and controlling every aspect of situations and relationships. At times, I, too, attempted to control others’ emotions by appeasing them constantly. I believed I had to achieve perfection in everything.
One’s tendency to obsessively control things may also stem from how we sее our families behave. If mom micromanaged the minutest details of what I or other family members ate, wore, believed, and did, this would be the only way of being (and doing things) I know and I automatically adopt the same approach.
However, we need to let go of this if we are to experience life to the fullest. Perfection is neither necessary nor achievable and mistakes are a natural part of human curiosity and exploration.
Reality presents challenges like difficulty, failure, and pain that are inevitable and often beyond our control. Even so, they can make us feel alive, foster growth, and help us thrive. We can’t control the most beautiful aspects of life either — its conception, birth, growth, falling in love, the process of creation, plus so many more.
The true essence and beauty of life lie in embracing vulnerability, not in planning for and controlling everything.
Photo by Sivani Bandaru on Unsplash
You don’t have to constantly engage in activities (constant doing).
Constantly doing, learning, and even endlessly therapizing oneself — aka excessive busyness, is a sign of a flight response. It’s perfectly fine to take a break and do nothing at times.
I still struggle with the latter because I am overly attached to work ethics and forever being of good use to those around me and society at large. For example, I used to take pride in my multitasking skills, but I’ve realized that this isn’t something to be proud of. In my experience it’s a surefire way to reach burnout faster than anything else.
A wise person told me once that the meditative/relaxation practice one is most resistant to, may be exactly what one needs to adopt. I listened to this advice and as a result, I’ve been explicitly scheduling times in my daily routine when I sit and do nothing. Be it sipping some tea while staring outside through my window, or breathing deeply and quietly for several minutes, I set do-nothing times in my calendar.
I encourage you, too, to give “doing nothing” a try. It might seem counterintuitive, but it can be enjoyable and beneficial for your well-being.
There is no need to justify what you do to everyone around you constantly.
Consistent guilt-tripping unfortunately leads to an excessive need to explain oneself and the motivation behind one’s actions, including saying “no.” The truth is, however, that as long as you avoid deceiving and harming others and as long as you operate within the boundaries of the law, you are under no obligation to do so.
While having someone you trust as an accountability partner can be beneficial in certain areas of relationships, it’s not a universal requirement for one’s personal growth.
Honesty and respect are crucial in any healthy relationship — with friends, colleagues, or family. However, ensure you know who these significant others are. Make sure you can trust them and that they won’t betray your trust. People outside that circle are not in a position to require explanations for your motivations. Plus, you can always change your mind if you feel something is too personal to share and decline to discuss it.
You don’t have to be fully financially independent at all times and all costs.
In times of sickness or when a parent is devoted to homemaking and childrearing, it’s only natural that someone else will take care of her/his financial needs. While financial independence provides a sense of empowerment, a lot of women, for example, find that staying at home to care for their children aligns better with their values.
Some studies find that housewives (or wives with part-time work) are slightly happier compared to full-time working wives, while other studies (Haller and Hadler (2005)) find no evidence of a difference in happiness, measured in terms of life satisfaction. This illustrates that decisions around stay-at-home motherhood and financial independence are highly personal. There is no one-size-fits-all approach to this.
I believe that we don’t have to gather material possessions at all costs. There’s more to life than that. While it’s important to provide for ourselves and our families, constantly buying things to boost social status isn’t healthy for most people. It turns into an endless competition where everyone else seems to win, leaving you unsatisfied. The reason is — there will always be people wealthier than you.
True fulfillment goes beyond material possessions.
Photo by Maria Thalassinou on Unsplash
* * *
Before wrapping up, I want to provide a disclaimer. Individuals with strong self-centered (egotistic) defenses, as opposed to codependents, may have different “don’t-have-to” lists. If you find yourself leaning toward the self-absorbed end of the spectrum, you may need to adjust your list.
For example, items on authorities and mentors might include the reverse possibility. Instead of questioning the messages of figures of authority, adhering to and trusting them could be beneficial for your inner peace. Similarly, rewording the you-don’t need-to-help-everybody-that-comes-your-way item could emphasize the reverse, namely that you don’t always have to put yourself first; sometimes prioritizing the well-being of your loved ones is what may help you grow and heal.
As I mentioned, this list stems from the insights my personal experience has given me. I believe that all of the mentioned points can be freely practiced at any time, as long as no external pressure, manipulation or guilt forces you to do so, and as long as you don’t feel compelled to follow them at all times.
To personal freedom!
Thank you for reading.