Psychological Manipulation in Religious Child Rearing
Pulling Masks Off Religious Fallacies - Part Two (on Triangulation)
Religious teaching differs from other parental teaching in that some parents use religion as a means of manipulation.
Having grown up in a religious family where addiction and co-dependency were present I witnessed the potential for manipulation in parental religious teaching first-hand.
What follows in my essay is my personal experience with religious triangulation and my ensuing struggle with it. The thoughts and ideas I share here are entirely mine. They are the fruit of my personal struggle and the self-help I invented for myself while I trekked down the bumpy road of healing from manipulation.
I am a believer and I love God. However, the wheat of my faith today tastes much better when I separate the chaff of manipulation from it.
In the context of manipulative communication, triangulation refers to a strategy where an individual involves a third party to manipulate or control a situation or relationship.
I consider triangulation to be one of the most insidious types of abuse parents can inflict on children. It can be either unconscious (when parents sincerely believe they are doing their best for their kids) or very conscious, where parents explicitly seek to retain total control over the kid’s emotions, psyche, and future, well into adulthood.
The second type is a malignant type of manipulation and thanks God is seen less frequently. In most cases there is usually an unconscious generational tradition whereby parents repeat a rearing model accepted by their own parents, with no malice intended.
Using triangulation, information is conveyed to or from a third party to influence a child’s perceptions or gain an advantage. The third party can be a child’s other parent, sibling, relative, or friend. The child is kept in the dark about this person’s true behaviour or messages, or else is conveyed untrue, deceitful communicationс (or outright lies) ostensibly sent to her by the other person via the intermediary.
In a monotheistic religious upbringing, triangulation may occur when God (or the devil, for that matter) stands as a “third person” in the parent-child relationship.
Parents teach their children that God supposedly expects them to be (or not to be) in a certain way, or that the devil supposedly watches the child to “get” them in cases of unaccepted behavior.
When a conscious manipulative objective is present, we refer to triangulation in the sense that the child has no resources to check if these things are indeed what God expects from them, naturally relying on the family for everything.
Now, it’s one thing to have your mom and dad expect things from you; however, it takes it to a whole different level when you are told an invisible God expects things from you, with the possibility of not blessing you or even punishing you for life. This situation is especially challenging for the child because the two triangulated individuals (the child and God) may have distorted connections as their interaction is mostly handled by the manipulator (parent or teacher).
For example, as I grew older, I was taught that I must always forgive wrongdoings, including those committed by my family. I was taught that God expected that of me. If at home I brought up an issue hurtful to me, God (or rather His label — His brand of a name) was evoked as a means to bring what would have been an otherwise unpleasant familial conversation to a halt.
I believe a normal, sane person would own to their sh*t — parents and teachers included. Too many religious communities, unfortunately, preach that you just need to “forgive” abuse. The argument is that the devil makes people behave in evil ways so people themselves bear no responsibility — which is outright manipulation.
All parents naturally influence their children’s brains.
Parents inherently shape their children’s minds and this is the natural way of things. Parents transmit their experiences and wisdom through generations, aiming to contribute to the creation of a better world.
However, psychologists claim that adult maturation requires shedding of (at least some) teachings received in their younger years. I like the way James Hollis, PhD, Jungian analyst, defines such a process: “Growing up means attaining personal authority over received authority, and having the courage to live it with consistency.”
This challenge of attaining personal authority over received parental teaching is universal for all types of parental instruction, as young minds are inherently impressionable. Impressionability is a natural part of early growth and encompasses our brains’ physiological development. As individuals mature, however, it becomes inherent to question earlier beliefs.
When it comes to religious instruction at home, the unique involvement of God as the ‘third party’ complicates matters. The tricky part is that when you genuinely love God and aspire to live your life according to His design, it becomes more challenging (and at times, almost impossible!) to let go of some of your early ‘God-ly’ beliefs, even if you later perceive them as harmful.
For a more detailed presentation of the beliefs I have personally had to shed so far, take a look at my essay Pulling Masks Off Religious Fallacies. It provides a clear insight into the challenging process involved.
The church has consistently employed triangulation throughout the centuries.
This involved figures like the Pope, who spoke — and still speaks today, according to some believers - to the people on behalf of God, or more modern-day prophets.
Well, I’m not suggesting anyone who claims to hear God’s voice is a manipulator. On the contrary, humanity has been enriched by inventors and even prophets who received remarkable insights through dreams and visions from God. This can be easily tested by the positive outcomes they produce.
What I’m against are those who assert hearing from God with the intent to manipulate others’ behavior. Unfortunately, the latter may involve money-gathering or restricting people’s critical thinking, with both still seen in some religious societies and families today.
Then comes the notion of the salvation of the soul.
The salvation of the soul is a foundational principle in monotheistic teaching. Central to Christian theology for example is the belief that human souls need salvation due to the concept of original sin, as outlined in the Bible; similar to other religions as far as I know. We are all defective, so we must be saved from ourselves.
Salvational teachings have given many individuals long-needed hope and have been a turning point in the lives of many — my family of origin is just one example out of many, thankfully. The concept of “saving the soul” holds significant appeal, particularly for those whose souls have been through abuse. When it results in religious or spiritual conversions that are beneficial and life-changing for people, this concept undoubtedly has a positive effect.
While the doctrine that human souls need a major rehaul may bear much truth, caution must be exercised when introducing it to children, as it has the potential to be utilized for manipulation and guilt-tripping.
I have friends today who struggle to overcome feelings of guilt and shame due to their upbringing in fundamentalist religious families. Many endeavours of their youth were labelled as sinful, ingraining a deep-seated fear of damnation for their souls. This raises the question of whether instilling such beliefs in children is beneficial at all, considering the profound impact it can have on their emotional well-being and sense of self-worth.
It is a self-evident truth that while our feelings, sensations, and intuition are profoundly tangible for each of us, the essence of our souls is invisible. Souls are immeasurable and beyond inspection by an outsider. Therefore no human being can guarantee another’s salvation, even if it’s claimed to be on behalf of God. Yet, some sermons repeatedly promise to secure salvation for us, contingent upon specific actions — whether it’s uttering particular prayers, strictly adhering to rules and regulations, making donations, and so forth.
Coercing individuals into certain behaviors with the promise of saving their souls is a form of manipulation. It involves speaking on behalf of an invisible third party and making commitments on their behalf (triangulation).
The topic of the devil is truly fascinating to explore, as it yields abundant fruit in the realm of manipulation.
It is a concept present in some religious groups today. Children, in particular, are highly susceptible to such imagery and suggestions. Once the notion of a devil who is after them becomes deeply ingrained, they can be manipulated into anything. Fear is a most powerful manipulative tactic.
Another detrimental aspect of the devil doctrine is that it can justify appalling human behaviour. The idea that it’s the devil causing someone to behave outrageously implies that it’s not the result of that person’s free choices. Therefore a young person learns to make excuses and tolerate even the most heinous actions of people towards them. As I grew up I was often told by family or fellow believers, “Forgive them, it’s not them who are doing that evil thing. It’s the devil making them do that.”
Such advice leaves individuals with limited options and no constructive course of action. To make things worse, a child has not fully explored the range of their feelings yet, and such parental teaching can result in a prolonged blockage of emotions, like anger or hurt.
The devil’s teaching also nurtures a sense of victimhood, as one can be affected or even fully obsessed by the devil at any point in their life. Life’s challenges and uncertainties are interpreted as devil attacks, rather than opportunities for personal change, transformation, or learning something new.
I believe the devil and such should be omitted from fragile children’s psyches. There are enough worthwhile and beneficial elements that can be offered to children from both Christian (or another religious) literature and secular literature; such that encourages the child to explore the world given to them by God and to put his or her life and talents to positive, constructive uses.
Blaming psychological (and even physiological) conditions on demons is another unfortunate aspect.
It prevents believers from seeking specialized care for themselves and their children. Additionally, as mentioned earlier, there’s the fear that these specialists may be from the devil, creating a chilling catch-22 situation.
Conversely, I have seen the other extreme with some fervent religious individuals relying on medication as the cure-all method, even though medication is inherently materialistic as a healing approach. While medical science (with medication a central element in it) undeniably holds a deserving and special place in our civilization, it often overlooks the connection with the human psyche in sickness and disease — a flaw which needs to be corrected if we are to achieve better healing results.
I am therefore surprised to observe numerous devout believers — who otherwise express a loud-voiced belief in humanity’s spiritual essence — overlook this perspective of all things, when confronted with illness. Many seem oblivious to the fact that their spiritual and emotional well-being might also need attention and healing alongside their physical bodies. What’s ironic is that healing modalities that treat the human being as a synergistic whole are often dismissed as the work of the devil.
This paradox represents the other side of the coin, reflecting a form of human pathological black-and-white thinking (either-or mentality).
Another aspect is making children repeat the same teachings year after year.
Small children are naturally vulnerable to intellectual, emotional, spiritual, and cognitive suggestions. During childhood, human brains are highly receptive to learning. However, when a certain teaching is repeated endlessly again and again, it restricts children’s horizons and outlook on life. Sometimes children are made to parrot religious texts endlessly.
To make matters worse, some fundamentalist religious cultures demonize literature, poetry, and philosophies different from the Holy Books of the respective religion. Needless to say, other religions are also demonized. In the case of my experience, alternative medicine was vilified— it was from the devil. All these healers are devil-worshippers.
We need to explore the extent to which such limitations might constrain the horizons and life choices available to a young child.
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In conclusion, parents certainly play a vital role in instilling values and ethical principles in their children during their upbringing. However, this important task should not compromise the child’s overall emotional, spiritual, and intellectual development and health.
The Christian religion, in particular, has endowed our civilization with the development of the human rights concept, unparalleled scientific progress, the advancement of education, arts, music, literature, and charity, and last but not least, has given us an ethical framework that emphasizes love, compassion, and justice. I believe children should be made aware of the latter. However, they also need to be encouraged to explore the world in real-time and broaden their perspectives through diverse means including but not limited to reading fiction, non-fiction, and varied philosophy.
Limiting the development of young people’s brains is harmful. The process back to wholeness and healing is hellishly painful (with the “hell” pun intended here) — been there, done that. (For further on this, read my detailed essays on Pulling Masks Off Religious Fallacies and 8 Things You Don’t Necessarily Have to Do in Life to Be Okay).
It is not accidental that the emergence of Martin Luther in church history in the 16th century was pivotal. It eliminated the necessity for intermediaries between God and individuals — effectively minimizing the triangulation element, of all things. This was a revolutionary shift that contributed to unprecedented civilizational progress.
Regrettably, certain fundamentalist groups still position themselves as intermediaries between people and God. While I certainly acknowledge that not every community or church operates in this manner, some such groups persist. Additionally, not all families manipulate their children's behavior through religion, but instances of this do exist and they are a sad portrayal of what healthy and supportive parenting should be.
It has taken us a full five centuries to unlearn harm and move away from controlling practices, yet we haven’t fully achieved that goal. The complete removal of such practices from our cultures could lead to even greater personal and societal liberty.
Let us all hope and strive for that.
Thank you for reading.
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It is an open-ended question about what the role of salvation teaching should ideally be. While I have not personally come up with an answer yet, you may share your opinion in the comments. I am also interested in seeing if you have felt similar pressure to the ones described above. I would be happy to read and discuss these as this is a topic worth open discussion.
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