What to Do When There’s no Closure in Relationships
Steps to take when you’ve been ghosted by someone in your life
We have all had these moments — expecting a letter from an employer we interviewed with, never getting one; waiting for feedback from a long-time friend whose behavior hurt us and although we explicitly made that clear to them, we never got the awaited feedback; or when dealing with the “ghosting” by an intimate partner, etc.
All these are situations of no closure in that we never get the chance of a clarifying conversation with the other party.
As a result, a vicious cycle emerges in which we constantly talk to the other person in our heads, expecting them to say “I am sorry” and thus have amends made, with the relationship restored to its previous wholeness.
All while doing so, however, our self-esteem steeply goes down the hill as we fall into the trap of defining our worth according to the incidental way another defines it.
What can we do instead, when faced with the painful situation of no closure in relationships?
1. Understand that life is a process and never at a standstill
Life may feel like a standstill at times but it never is.
Allow yourself the process of grieving your hurt and loss, however long it takes (and yes, it often goes on for months and years). It may feel terribly painful but know there are no shortcuts for avoiding that pain. It is in the flow of now that we live so let it be and let it flow, however long it needs to take.
In the meantime, do your best to focus on your purpose in life and on everything you need to do and love to do, until … one good day of grieving ends and you realize that a very special closure has actually settled for you in the meanwhile — in your precious inside. You will be surprised by how abundantly much your life has drawn upon the no-closure situation and how much you have grown through it.
2. Take explicit time to express the feelings you never got the chance to express with that person — but do so in private.
You can express your feelings out loud and you can even use a pillow to hit your anger out upon. You can write a letter to them you’ll never get to send and cry wholeheartedly while writing it. You can freely call them the names you feel they deserve to be called — but in your own precious presence.
As I’ve said, it is primarily the lack of conversations we were not able to hold with the other person due to their unavailability or their (or our) incapacity to talk openly, that seems to be hurting the most.
Fair enough then, now is the time to talk and listen to yourself. There’s no person on earth who can validate you as you can. You get to discover what you feel in your gut, why you are feeling it and how to release it beneficially. You get the chance to decide on the ways in which you are willing to protect your mind and soul in the future. It’s your floor now.
3. Take time to honestly answer the question: What is it that hurts most in losing the relationship — or losing it in the form it used to be?
Is it trust in the human race in general?
Is it trust in an invaluable friend or partner?
Is it trust in yourself?
Is it promises not kept?
Is it a genuine conversation?
Is it being heard?
What exactly is it that you are holding on to?
4. Grieve the collapse of shared values… and get up!
We are all made up of our values. Values bring enormous meaning with them, literally making up a person’s self.
Having spent years or decades with another, believing you two had the deepest values in common, i.e., humaneness, openness, belonging, and then it gets ripped out of you at the blink of an eye, it sucks. Sometimes it sucks to the degree that your inner world (and body in some cases) is falling apart for a certain period of time. The reason being — the more consciously our values are connected with the way we live our life and the way we relate to others, the more painful a no-closure situation is, as it is putting the very core of who we are on a trial.
However, the ball is in your court again to decide which values you will continue to hold onto, all while learning the tough lesson that values and promises, to too many people, are little more than two fragmented words, unrelated to their physical and emotional experience of life. As soon as it gets to their personal interests or the rigid dogmas they are clinging to (list of reasons is endless), year-long promises of common values vanish in thin air on the spot.
5. At some point you need to accept what has happened to the relationship.
That person was possibly brought into your life because you needed them. I understand that sounds clichéd. However, our lives do draw people and situations we actually need so that they build us up into who we ourselves have internally, though subconsciously, chosen to become.
Thus, there’s some amount of gratitude due for meeting those people along our way, as often they have contributed substantially to who we are today.
But for us to expect them to continue doing the latter, when they are clearly not in a position to do, is unrealistic. Get rid of that.
6. Make a firm decision to love yourself so much as to stay rooted in the reality of the present moment.
Again — kudos to what people have done for us in the past, however, we now need to treat them in the way they deserve to be treated according to what their present actions demand. I believe this is true for spouses, friends and professional partners alike.
7. Write.
In no-closure situations, I write letters that I never get to send. In them, I profusely share how I feel as a result of what the other person’s behavior has inflicted upon me. I sometimes offer apologies for stuff I myself may have done differently in retrospect. As Alana 🌴nicely puts it:
“Writing a letter that you don’t intend to send can be a great way to get your thoughts and feelings out. You can say whatever you want because you won’t send it. It is simply so you can process and grieve.”
I sometimes just muse on relationships in general — like I am doing at the moment :) Or write poems about it.
Putting it all on paper further crystalizes one’s clarity on issues.
8. Talking with (other) friends about it.
When you talk about the situation with friends, you get different angles to view it. Matter of fact, friends can also offer perspective on where you might have acted differently. Use all opportunities at hand to learn — as learning & growing is what life seems to be about.
In conclusion - you can transmute your tough relationship moments into positive You-defining moments!
Whether it is about a career choice you are exploring or whether choosing the type of people you surround yourself with — or how close to be with them — use painful no-closure moments to stabilize and grow your concept of You.
Those who would take you as you are in real-time — while agonizingly laboring the birth of your true(r) self—will keep striding along with you in your life. The rest will organically fall off down the road.
And in the long run, we’ll get it — both groups of people are part of our blessing parcel on earth.
Thank you for reading!
P.S. A caveat in no-closure situations is that oftentimes, even if there were a possibility for a sincere conversation, the two parties would most probably not hear what they expect to hear from the other. Such is the nature of human relationships that they sometimes won’t work no matter what — especially when one party, or both, have done stuff to break mutual trust.
P.S.S. Another thing is that painful situations of no closures may also help one heal their deeper (core) traumas, in that most of us — if we dare open up to our deep feelings at such moments — would unearth early-life abandonment inherited from family and other caring adults.
I totally concur. Closure also presents opportunities to take a good, hard look at a relationship we've deeply valued, and reevaluate it from a more objective view. When we honestly assess our once-vibrant bond with another, did we EVER get (from them) as good as we gave?
Sometimes, the gift is in the loss of a friendship or romantic involvement. Someone has repeatedly shown us WHO they are, and we have neglected to recognize it, because we've been emotionally committed and attached. They've filled a void for us, and we haven't been willing to explore how we can better fill it for ourselves.
When someone 'ghosts' us, it either means they're incapable of confronting difficult feelings, and lack courage to work thru and resolve a relationship rupture~ OR they are underdeveloped and lack personal integrity. Either way, the outcome's the same.
When another has made an error with us, their feelings of 'shame' about it makes 'em wanna run away, rather than owning it and mending the relationship rupture (common among people with BPD traits). In short, shame and one's lack of emotional and verbal competency are key to ties being severed~ because doing the RIGHT thing, takes more courage and character, than doing nothing at all.
You are so very right, Shari. Sometimes lack of closure is a gift which gets recognised as such only in retrospect, I believe. Thank you fir an insightful comment!